God Even Uses Our Biggest Mistakes

Goodness... I am so overwhelmed as I'm sitting here with all these thoughts running through my head. I have so much to say and I don't even know where to begin. I apologize for all my errors in advance and for writing such a long blog but I have a year's worth of things that I need to get off my chest. It's crazy to think that a whole year has gone by since I was finishing up my last semester in High School. I was preparing to attend Truett McConnell as a full time ACELL student and I was going to live on campus. As I'm looking back, I'm realizing that I was in such a good place in my life. The worst part about it, is that I didn't even realize how good things really were. 

In May of 2011, I realized that I was living a life without God and I decided to change that by giving Him my life. From that day forward, I was so eager to learn and get close to God. I always read my bible, prayed, did bible studies, and read Christian books. One Wednesday, Scotty talked to us about what we were passionate about. I remember taking that message very seriously. After that, I did my best to make God my passion in life. I was so desperate to give God my all because I knew that He deserved it. Having a relationship with God and making Him my passion made me the happiest that I have ever been. Though there were always struggles, looking back, all I can see is how close I was to God. 

Although I was so close to God at this point in my life, I was so blinded by lies that Satan was telling me that I couldn't see it. I've always been hard on myself and pushed myself to do more and learn more to be close to God and I never felt like what I was doing enough because Satan had convinced me of it. Things got worse when I got to Truett in January. I started making myself miserable. I had so many insecurities like the way I look, doubting that God loves and forgives me, thinking God was mad at me because I wasn't sinless, doubting that God would ever use me, doubting that God was even there because no matter how many times I tried to talk to Him, I felt like he wasn't speaking to me. Even though its silly to worry about something like this at such a young age, like many other girls, I doubted that I would ever find a good guy. I also wondered sometimes if God would even care if I just went back to my old ways.

I ended up testing that out when I met a guy. Christian girls always talk to each other about "guarding their heart" when it comes to guys because our hearts are so easily broken. It's a great idea and easy to understand, but almost impossible to put into action. I never thought this would be a problem for me until I actually tried. I fell hard and fast. I already felt like God wasn't speaking to me, so when I prayed about the potential relationship, it didn't surprise me when I didn't know whether God approved or not. After praying a little longer, I realized that I was going to let the relationship happen anyway. I discussed having a God-based relationship with him and he said he wanted that too. I even told him that he had to read a book about God-based relationships before he could ask me to be his girlfriend, and he did.

I fell in love faster than I wanted, I couldn't help it. It was like I had found my prince charming and I was happier than I ever thought possible. Why wouldn't I be happy when I had someone to treat me like a princess and make me feel good about myself when I was so down on myself all the time? I had finally experienced being confident for once in my life. After a few weeks of all the excitement, I had slowly stopped reading my bible altogether. I would always try to go back and start reading it occasionally during the relationship, but it always felt empty so I never stuck to it. I was happy and distracted so I was fine with it. I figured that there were a lot of people in the world who had relationships without God that worked, so why couldn't I? It seemed to be going fine. Weeks turned into months and here I am...

It's 8 months later and the relationship is over. So much has happened in the past 8 months and I'm in complete awe of what God has opened my eyes to. Although I made a lot of mistakes and my heart was broken, I'm thankful for the friend that I gained, the experience, and most of all what God has taught me through it. I never thought that God would use me abandoning my faith in the amazing way that He has. When I struggled with all the insecurities I listed earlier, I asked God to help me with them so many times and I felt so hopeless because nothing ever changed. When I stopped having a relationship with God, the insecurities seemed to disappear for a while until problems in the relationship began. Now that the relationship is over God has opened my eyes to see that through this one relationship and 8 months of trying to control my life, he has helped me with every single one of the insecurities I had. Heres how:

Throughout the whole relationship I thought God had nothing to do with my life anymore, but the first thing that God opened my eyes to, is the fact that He was in control the WHOLE time. Not one thing surprised him and not one thing didn't go according to plan. I always knew that God was in control but I didn't fully grasp how much He was in control until I thought I took my life into my own hands. I thought I was in control but the first thing he showed me is that every step of the way, He was calling the shots, not me.

 When I started reflecting on my walk with God, I started realizing that I was so blind. I thought that everything I was doing before wasn't good enough, but it really was! I remember waking up and reading my bible first thing in the morning in High School. I would pray and ask God to let people see Him through me. I would try to talk to God in my head all day. I read my bible when we weren't doing anything in class. When I got home, I would read my books or my bible. I remember going to work and talking to my boss about my relationship with God. Everything always went back to Him but I felt like I wasn't doing anything at all and I so desperately wanted to be a light for Him. I wanted Him to use me so badly. I never realized that He was using me the whole time. I don't understand how I couldn't see everything I was doing..

Something that turned me even further away from God during this time is the way that Christian's act.  Especially Christians at a Christian college. Not all Christians, but most that I have come across are extremely judgmental and miserable. I don't understand why Christians are some of the meanest people out there but I know that's not how its supposed to be. I know that I was guilty of the same behavior before this. I judged people who sinned. I looked down on people who said they had a relationship with God and then turned around and partied when they were the people that needed to see God's love and forgiveness the most, not our judgement. Even the faculty at the school surprised me by kicking out any student who gave them the slightest reason to even though they needed to be shown God, not be thrown out to fend for themselves. So as I begin getting my life back on track with God, I'm going to do my best not to become one of these Christians and anyone who would like to hold me accountable would be greatly appreciated!

 I also realized that God does know best. During the relationship, I did want to turn to God quite a few times. I would read my bible and try to pray, but it felt so empty. I got even more frustrated because I wasn't hearing from Him. Now that He's opened my eyes to everything, I realize that He had to do that. He couldn't let me come home just yet. I wasn't done learning my lesson and I'm so thankful for that now. God's timing is perfect!

The biggest flaw that I have is my impatience. Through this experience, God has taught me to be patient and wait on His timing. He's taught me to trust that He knows what He is doing. I can't see what the future holds, but He can. So instead of being impatient and trying to decide how my future is going to be, I'm going to wait on God. It has taught me that no matter what, nothing is worth abandoning my faith and when all the women in the church tell you that there is some Christian guy out there who is going to love you, it's true! So instead of being impatient and trying to find him on my own and settling for less than I deserve, I'm going to hold out for someone who truly deserves my heart. I was foolish for what I did, but I'm so thankful for the most important thing that God has shown me once again, which is His love and forgiveness. 

We all know that people make mistakes, and they're going to hurt us. In this relationship, I was hurt multiple times. But every time he broke my heart, I was there for him and I was willing to give him another chance. It may sound silly to say I love someone so much after dating for only 8 months, but part of the problem with this relationship was that we were way too serious about each other from the very beginning, but we couldn't help it. I loved and cared for him more than I have ever cared for anyone. I finally understood what it meant to care more about someone else's happiness than your own. I caught a glimpse of what it felt like for God to forgive me and take me back with such warm and welcoming arms after I've hurt him. No matter how bad I was hurting because of him, I was able to put myself aside to be there for the person that I loved. I never knew how God felt until I felt a fraction of it for myself and I have never had such a deeper understanding of God's love and forgiveness than I do now. 

I know I've written a book so I'm going to stop here, but I'd like to say that I know I made a lot of mistakes. Even though I did, the only regret that I have is not only abandoning God, but also all the people that have been there for me throughout my walk with God. You all know who you are and you all became such an important part of my life and I'm sorry for turning my back on you the way that I did. So I want you all to know that I'm sorry and I love you!

The Beauty of Imperfections

On a daily basis, I struggle with insecurities. Most of the time, my insecurities are all I think about. They make me miserable. When I wake up, I tell myself that I'm going to do my best not to sin and to stay focused on God all day. Right when I get to school thats ruined. I get so caught up in whats going on around me that I forget about God. Without even realizing it, I judge other people. I talk about other people. When I realize what I'm doing, I beat myself up over it. 

I tell myself that I'm not being any different than the non-christians around me. I tell myself that because I constantly mess up, God wont use me. I tell myself that I've disappointed Him and I'm unworthy of His forgiveness. I get so upset because I think that I need to be perfect, when thats impossible. I ask God to help me not sin and when I mess up again, I tell myself that God's not listening. 

What I've realized, is that I'm trying to live my life without God's help. These insecurities I have aren't things that I'm telling myself, they're lies that Satan is using against me. Satan is attacking me everyday in every way that he can and I'm letting him win. Satan tells me that God isn't going to use me and that He doesn't have a plan for my life. Satan tells me that I'm no different than I was before I got saved. The sad part is that I constantly believe him. 

Now that I look back, I know that is far from the truth.When I've finally had enough, I turn to God, who has patiently been waiting to help me the whole time. All I have to do is ask Him. 

The good part about having all these insecurities, is that they keep me humble. I AM unworthy of forgiveness, what I need to realize, is that He forgives me anyway. I need to learn to forgive myself and rely on God. I've always tried to be independent. Especially with my parents. Learning to completely rely on God when all I've ever known is trying to rely on myself is a hard thing to do. I know everyday that I'm going to face this battle but I have to remind myself that I don't have to do it on my own, I can't do it on my own. 

For every lie satan makes me believe, there is truth in God's word that disproves it. God tells me that He has a plan for my life. God tells me that He forgives me. God tells me that He will give me strength. God tells me that He made me exactly the way I am. I know that God gave me these imperfections so that I can undeniably know that He is God. He can do and overcome anything and through Him, I can do and overcome anything despite my imperfections. He will use them, and me, for His purpose. I'm not sure how he will use me yet, but I trust that as long as I seek Him daily, He will make a way. 

Even when it doesn't feel like it, God is with me always. As I look back, those times I thought He wasn't there, I see that He was. Trusting something you can't see or feel is hard to do, but I know that my reward is in Heaven and I have to keep going. I'm thankful for the struggles I've faced because in those times, God's presence is even more undeniable. I've finally stopped dwelling on the fact that I'm not perfect and I've found a way to see the beauty of my imperfections the way that God sees them.

"For I know the plans I have you you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalms 139:13-14

Living to Impress God

"For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come." 1 Timothy 4:8

I don't think any girl has ever looked in the mirror and really thought that she was beautiful. I know it's something that I struggle with, always. We all have insecurities, and sometimes we let them take over our lives. But, have you ever stopped focusing on how you look on the outside and considered how you are on the inside?

"Do not let your adornment be merely outward - arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel- rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God." 1 Peter 3:3-4

We've all seen a really pretty face be ruined by a really ugly personality. If you can't seem to be happy with how you look on the outside, then try to be happy with your personality. I'm not trying to say that looks don't matter at all. They shouldn't, but they do. People will always judge you by the way you look, but God doesn't care about that.

"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." Romans 12:2

 He made you. All those flaws you see in yourself? He made those, and He thinks they're beautiful. God doesn't make mistakes and He didn't make one when he made you. Instead of trying to impress the world, try impressing God. His opinion is the only one that matters and honestly, you're never going to impress the world.

"in like manner also, that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing. but, which is proper for women professing godliness with good works." 1 Timothy 2:9-10

Stop trying to find your worth in guys that don't care about you. Especially when you're getting their attention by the not so modest clothes you're wearing. Negative attention is setting yourself up for heartbreak. They might make you feel better about yourself temporarily, but is it worth the damage they'll do to your heart in the end? God has someone for you. He knows exactly who He is. Trust Him and wait for that guy that's not going to hurt you. How do you wait for him? By focusing on God until you're ready. Seek God every day, read His word, and honor Him in everything you do. Pray for your future husband. He could be close by or far away going through a struggle, right now. Pray that he'll love God more than you and that when you're with him, he will help you improve your relationship with God, not keep you from it.

"Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised."

You can't change the way you look. I know it's hard, but you have to find a way to see yourself as beautiful. Stop comparing yourself to others. The next time you're about to make fun of someone for the way they look, think about how you feel about yourself and how you would feel if people pointed out your insecurities. God finds a gentle and quiet spirit beautiful so if you're going to try to change anything about yourself, start there. Live to impress God.

How We Love Him..

When we have problems in our life, it's really easy to turn to God and beg him for help. But what about when something awesome happens in our life? Do we thank God? Or do we think these things just happen by chance and keep ignoring Him until we need Him again? 

I know that I don't spend as much time with God outside of church as I should. People mention this issue a lot but it didn't really hit me until recently. At the beginning of the year, I made a commitment to myself and God to spend time with Him everyday. Not because I have to, but because I want to. Even though I want to, sometimes I still find it hard to give Him at least 30 minutes of my day. It seems like there are so many other things that need to be done that have a higher priority in my life than spending time with Him. 

Last night, while reading Matthew 22, the pharisees asked Jesus which is the most important commandment. Jesus replied "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." - Matthew 22: 37. 

The definition of commandment is "a divine command" or "an order from authority". Even though I've known that I'm supposed to love God, when I read it, it really hit me. We are commanded to love God with our everything. Jesus didn't say "Yeah, I'm about to die a really painful death for you, to save your life, but if you don't feel like loving me today or even acknowledging my presence, that's okay." 

He's not supposed to be loved like we love our family or our friends. We all know that sometimes we don't like our family and our friends seem to come and go. He's supposed to be number one in our lives because He will always be there and yet every day we take His unconditional love for granted. 

We are here to worship and serve Him, but every day we think about how we can serve ourselves instead. We love to talk about how much He loves us but when when it comes to loving Him back, I think we all fall short. Everyone has read "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phillipians 4:13 at least once. But the important part in there is that we can do all things through Christ. It's not "I can do all things if I believe in Christ and He'll strengthen me." 

There's a difference in believing in him and having a relationship with him. In order to do things through Christ, we have to have a relationship with him. To me, a relationship with him isn't just putting scripture as my status on Facebook, or going to church every Wednesday and Sunday, or trying to never do wrong. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," Romans 3:23. We're going to mess up but he forgives us and that doesn't change the way he feels about us. A relationship to me is spending time with Him, alone, really talking to Him and reading His word because, like Corina once told me, His word is His love letter to us.

 If you had kids and you promised to supply your children with EVERYTHING they need for their entire life (Clothes, money, love, food, etc.) and you made a huge sacrifice for them but they refused to spend time with you, talk to you, or even read the letters that you wrote them you probably wouldn't be too happy. That doesn't really sound like the ideal relationship, does it? With the way we are, we would just stop giving them these things and let them suffer because they don't appreciate us. But God, he really loves us SO much that even when we act like spoiled brats who think they don't need Him, He still supplies us with our every need. The least we can do is love him back...

I'm not writing this because I think everyone is like this and they need to change. I'm writing it because I'M like this, and I'm ready to change that.

"That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take away your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." Psalm 51:10-12