Goodness... I am so overwhelmed as I'm sitting here with all these thoughts running through my head. I have so much to say and I don't even know where to begin. I apologize for all my errors in advance and for writing such a long blog but I have a year's worth of things that I need to get off my chest. It's crazy to think that a whole year has gone by since I was finishing up my last semester in High School. I was preparing to attend Truett McConnell as a full time ACELL student and I was going to live on campus. As I'm looking back, I'm realizing that I was in such a good place in my life. The worst part about it, is that I didn't even realize how good things really were.
In May of 2011, I realized that I was living a life without God and I decided to change that by giving Him my life. From that day forward, I was so eager to learn and get close to God. I always read my bible, prayed, did bible studies, and read Christian books. One Wednesday, Scotty talked to us about what we were passionate about. I remember taking that message very seriously. After that, I did my best to make God my passion in life. I was so desperate to give God my all because I knew that He deserved it. Having a relationship with God and making Him my passion made me the happiest that I have ever been. Though there were always struggles, looking back, all I can see is how close I was to God.
Although I was so close to God at this point in my life, I was so blinded by lies that Satan was telling me that I couldn't see it. I've always been hard on myself and pushed myself to do more and learn more to be close to God and I never felt like what I was doing enough because Satan had convinced me of it. Things got worse when I got to Truett in January. I started making myself miserable. I had so many insecurities like the way I look, doubting that God loves and forgives me, thinking God was mad at me because I wasn't sinless, doubting that God would ever use me, doubting that God was even there because no matter how many times I tried to talk to Him, I felt like he wasn't speaking to me. Even though its silly to worry about something like this at such a young age, like many other girls, I doubted that I would ever find a good guy. I also wondered sometimes if God would even care if I just went back to my old ways.
I ended up testing that out when I met a guy. Christian girls always talk to each other about "guarding their heart" when it comes to guys because our hearts are so easily broken. It's a great idea and easy to understand, but almost impossible to put into action. I never thought this would be a problem for me until I actually tried. I fell hard and fast. I already felt like God wasn't speaking to me, so when I prayed about the potential relationship, it didn't surprise me when I didn't know whether God approved or not. After praying a little longer, I realized that I was going to let the relationship happen anyway. I discussed having a God-based relationship with him and he said he wanted that too. I even told him that he had to read a book about God-based relationships before he could ask me to be his girlfriend, and he did.
I fell in love faster than I wanted, I couldn't help it. It was like I had found my prince charming and I was happier than I ever thought possible. Why wouldn't I be happy when I had someone to treat me like a princess and make me feel good about myself when I was so down on myself all the time? I had finally experienced being confident for once in my life. After a few weeks of all the excitement, I had slowly stopped reading my bible altogether. I would always try to go back and start reading it occasionally during the relationship, but it always felt empty so I never stuck to it. I was happy and distracted so I was fine with it. I figured that there were a lot of people in the world who had relationships without God that worked, so why couldn't I? It seemed to be going fine. Weeks turned into months and here I am...
It's 8 months later and the relationship is over. So much has happened in the past 8 months and I'm in complete awe of what God has opened my eyes to. Although I made a lot of mistakes and my heart was broken, I'm thankful for the friend that I gained, the experience, and most of all what God has taught me through it. I never thought that God would use me abandoning my faith in the amazing way that He has. When I struggled with all the insecurities I listed earlier, I asked God to help me with them so many times and I felt so hopeless because nothing ever changed. When I stopped having a relationship with God, the insecurities seemed to disappear for a while until problems in the relationship began. Now that the relationship is over God has opened my eyes to see that through this one relationship and 8 months of trying to control my life, he has helped me with every single one of the insecurities I had. Heres how:
Throughout the whole relationship I thought God had nothing to do with my life anymore, but the first thing that God opened my eyes to, is the fact that He was in control the WHOLE time. Not one thing surprised him and not one thing didn't go according to plan. I always knew that God was in control but I didn't fully grasp how much He was in control until I thought I took my life into my own hands. I thought I was in control but the first thing he showed me is that every step of the way, He was calling the shots, not me.
When I started reflecting on my walk with God, I started realizing that I was so blind. I thought that everything I was doing before wasn't good enough, but it really was! I remember waking up and reading my bible first thing in the morning in High School. I would pray and ask God to let people see Him through me. I would try to talk to God in my head all day. I read my bible when we weren't doing anything in class. When I got home, I would read my books or my bible. I remember going to work and talking to my boss about my relationship with God. Everything always went back to Him but I felt like I wasn't doing anything at all and I so desperately wanted to be a light for Him. I wanted Him to use me so badly. I never realized that He was using me the whole time. I don't understand how I couldn't see everything I was doing..
Something that turned me even further away from God during this time is the way that Christian's act. Especially Christians at a Christian college. Not all Christians, but most that I have come across are extremely judgmental and miserable. I don't understand why Christians are some of the meanest people out there but I know that's not how its supposed to be. I know that I was guilty of the same behavior before this. I judged people who sinned. I looked down on people who said they had a relationship with God and then turned around and partied when they were the people that needed to see God's love and forgiveness the most, not our judgement. Even the faculty at the school surprised me by kicking out any student who gave them the slightest reason to even though they needed to be shown God, not be thrown out to fend for themselves. So as I begin getting my life back on track with God, I'm going to do my best not to become one of these Christians and anyone who would like to hold me accountable would be greatly appreciated!
I also realized that God does know best. During the relationship, I did want to turn to God quite a few times. I would read my bible and try to pray, but it felt so empty. I got even more frustrated because I wasn't hearing from Him. Now that He's opened my eyes to everything, I realize that He had to do that. He couldn't let me come home just yet. I wasn't done learning my lesson and I'm so thankful for that now. God's timing is perfect!
The biggest flaw that I have is my impatience. Through this experience, God has taught me to be patient and wait on His timing. He's taught me to trust that He knows what He is doing. I can't see what the future holds, but He can. So instead of being impatient and trying to decide how my future is going to be, I'm going to wait on God. It has taught me that no matter what, nothing is worth abandoning my faith and when all the women in the church tell you that there is some Christian guy out there who is going to love you, it's true! So instead of being impatient and trying to find him on my own and settling for less than I deserve, I'm going to hold out for someone who truly deserves my heart. I was foolish for what I did, but I'm so thankful for the most important thing that God has shown me once again, which is His love and forgiveness.
We all know that people make mistakes, and they're going to hurt us. In this relationship, I was hurt multiple times. But every time he broke my heart, I was there for him and I was willing to give him another chance. It may sound silly to say I love someone so much after dating for only 8 months, but part of the problem with this relationship was that we were way too serious about each other from the very beginning, but we couldn't help it. I loved and cared for him more than I have ever cared for anyone. I finally understood what it meant to care more about someone else's happiness than your own. I caught a glimpse of what it felt like for God to forgive me and take me back with such warm and welcoming arms after I've hurt him. No matter how bad I was hurting because of him, I was able to put myself aside to be there for the person that I loved. I never knew how God felt until I felt a fraction of it for myself and I have never had such a deeper understanding of God's love and forgiveness than I do now.
I know I've written a book so I'm going to stop here, but I'd like to say that I know I made a lot of mistakes. Even though I did, the only regret that I have is not only abandoning God, but also all the people that have been there for me throughout my walk with God. You all know who you are and you all became such an important part of my life and I'm sorry for turning my back on you the way that I did. So I want you all to know that I'm sorry and I love you!
