The Beauty of Imperfections

On a daily basis, I struggle with insecurities. Most of the time, my insecurities are all I think about. They make me miserable. When I wake up, I tell myself that I'm going to do my best not to sin and to stay focused on God all day. Right when I get to school thats ruined. I get so caught up in whats going on around me that I forget about God. Without even realizing it, I judge other people. I talk about other people. When I realize what I'm doing, I beat myself up over it. 

I tell myself that I'm not being any different than the non-christians around me. I tell myself that because I constantly mess up, God wont use me. I tell myself that I've disappointed Him and I'm unworthy of His forgiveness. I get so upset because I think that I need to be perfect, when thats impossible. I ask God to help me not sin and when I mess up again, I tell myself that God's not listening. 

What I've realized, is that I'm trying to live my life without God's help. These insecurities I have aren't things that I'm telling myself, they're lies that Satan is using against me. Satan is attacking me everyday in every way that he can and I'm letting him win. Satan tells me that God isn't going to use me and that He doesn't have a plan for my life. Satan tells me that I'm no different than I was before I got saved. The sad part is that I constantly believe him. 

Now that I look back, I know that is far from the truth.When I've finally had enough, I turn to God, who has patiently been waiting to help me the whole time. All I have to do is ask Him. 

The good part about having all these insecurities, is that they keep me humble. I AM unworthy of forgiveness, what I need to realize, is that He forgives me anyway. I need to learn to forgive myself and rely on God. I've always tried to be independent. Especially with my parents. Learning to completely rely on God when all I've ever known is trying to rely on myself is a hard thing to do. I know everyday that I'm going to face this battle but I have to remind myself that I don't have to do it on my own, I can't do it on my own. 

For every lie satan makes me believe, there is truth in God's word that disproves it. God tells me that He has a plan for my life. God tells me that He forgives me. God tells me that He will give me strength. God tells me that He made me exactly the way I am. I know that God gave me these imperfections so that I can undeniably know that He is God. He can do and overcome anything and through Him, I can do and overcome anything despite my imperfections. He will use them, and me, for His purpose. I'm not sure how he will use me yet, but I trust that as long as I seek Him daily, He will make a way. 

Even when it doesn't feel like it, God is with me always. As I look back, those times I thought He wasn't there, I see that He was. Trusting something you can't see or feel is hard to do, but I know that my reward is in Heaven and I have to keep going. I'm thankful for the struggles I've faced because in those times, God's presence is even more undeniable. I've finally stopped dwelling on the fact that I'm not perfect and I've found a way to see the beauty of my imperfections the way that God sees them.

"For I know the plans I have you you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalms 139:13-14